Collections of random essays 1

Collections of random essays

(Lost) Dream

I have quite a revelation lately … it’s about the power of dream/ purpose. Background is I am feeling a bit stuck in the past couple of months (probably too much PhD rejections) and just feel demotivated most of the time, like what’s the point of all the hard work ..

I realised I forgot why I tried so hard in the first place, and then I remembered back in Yr2/3 I actually worked really really hard (going office and library everyday), it kinda reminds me I actually had worked quite hard before and it’s quite powerful (I know it sounds strange, bit it’s like a feeling I haven’t done anything meaningful in the past couple years during my uni, but then I suddenly remembered there was actually a period I worked really hard, and low-key proud of myself). It also reminded me why I worked so hard in the first place.

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we actually have a dream, and that the future is a better place … having a dream is what propel us forward. Keep going brother, I’ll see you on the other side (am talking to myself).

Nicotine

I started vaping/ smoking in Yr2/3 during the extreme stressful period (started out vaping CBD; memory to UCL IOE vape break), and then tried the real cigarette in Yr3 summer I think (memory to Carlow House back alley - think I smoked two within 30 minutes, damn wtf), but never really got addicted to it (It is VERY VERY addictive, it’s just I have a very strong mental power to fend it off).

Wait actually I definitely started smoking even earlier, I remember now there was this 1-week long Organic Chemistry Lab in Yr3 and it was horrible. I remember I was so stressed in the middle of a organic synthesis I just left my fumehood (it’s safe don’t worry) and went outside for a cigarette break (memory to Imperial backdoor smoking area, if you know you know). It actually helps a lot in relaxing, like really a lot, soooo soothing (it reminded me it’s OK to fk up my synthesis).. I went back afterward and finished my experiment.

There are also other occasions where I re-smoked when it’s just everything is not going well at the same time - there’s only so much you can take at one time. But I always quit afterwards.

I think it’s fair to say I smoke only on special occasions now .. and probably socially when it feels right. Although I am seriously thinking about quitting smoking altogether at the moment.

In a nutshell

Recent months have been quite dramatic for me on a emotional level. Trying to jiggle around research work in Rouse Lab, STFC, PhD applications, and living alone in the middle of nowhere (it’s called Warrington). Although I feel like I have grown so much in just a few months again now that I look back .. The placement year is still on-going but I already wished I could start over the STFC placement year again, in that case I would probably get 2x more work done, and be able to handle all my other stuffs like emotions much better.